GONE

Por Patawee Promsen

11 de October de 2017

Sometime I wonder if I am still able to write.

Writing papers is not that difficult anymore when you are an academically trained graduate student. But when dealing with writing creatively---writing something meaningful yet beautiful---, I'm not confident anymore.

Growing up with literature, not only reading but also writing has always been my world. I remember the happiness of going to the bookstore after school every day. I remember the feeling after reading Little House in the Big Woods (Don't blame me for identifying myself with Laura and hoping to find my own Almanzo one day lol) I also remember myself crying while reading My Sweet Orange Tree on the chapter that Jose was punished by his father. All these memories reside in me. They tell me who I am in this world. But can I still believe in my memories, as they are subjective, easily distorted, and reemerge every time I recall them?

Can't believe I will come this far.

I have never thought of myself as a Ph.D. student. Not even now. My dream used to be so simple, or at least simpler than this. I need to succeed in having a book of my own. I need to be called once as a writer. But that was an unrealistic dream when I was younger and knew so little about life. I have changed a lot during these years. I almost forget the last time I wrote a short story. Don't even mention the diary--the daily journaling--the routine I keep doing since I was 12. I have to admit that I rarely write. I let my stories gone day by day. I forget easily and easier everyday. I care less about the little things. I write only something miraculous--the great days, the best experiences, the memorable events, that I ignore the rest.

I know something in me has gone.

People say that you will completely change every seven years. All the existing cells in you will be replaced with the new ones, so we are literally a new person at every seven years. If the assumption is true, this must be the fourth time that my life has completely changed. I don't know if such this change effects our emotional stability as it seems to effect us physically. I just realize that I have changed a lot. Maybe not this year, but these years. I don't become a better person, nor I didn't do worse. I just change. And the only thing you can do when dealing with change is watching. Watching myself changing and growing is fun. But sometimes I still long for things---something I used to love, someone who used to stay, some skills I used to have---all those things that I realize they have completely gone.