NEW ERA OF ME

By Patawee Promsen

August 3^rd, 2020

Mom passed away in May.

Life has been so hard since then.

What is harder than realizing that she's gone, however, is taking all the responsibilities that she left. I have to act as if I am her, mostly to help facilitate dad with his daily life and his business. I become someone whom I don't know anymore: someone who wakes up at 7 to cook fancy breakfast and is ready at 11 to prepare lunch and again cooks another fancy dinner at 5; Someone who drives to the post office almost every day; Someone who goes grocery shopping several times a week; Someone who washes the dishes so fast because she needs to do it at least twice a day. Someone who is so tired of housework that she doesn't even have energy left to do her own stuff: A Ph.D. study.

And no one helps her.

Dad is still dad, who is always a passive soul, who doesn't want to learn to live by himself, who doesn't have to do anything new since mom died. A brother decides to stay in Japan since then. He will not come back until at least the new year. All mom's responsibilities become mine. I take them all. I need to act as a leader of the family for all the matters from the smallest things like socializing with relatives, to more serious matters like deeds and documents and legal papers.

Since no one cares and everyone lives in a selfish way, I will, too.

I have lived to please people all my life. I have to be kind to people although they treat me badly. I have to smile although I don't want to. I have to endure just to help other people. I have to be a compromiser, a negotiator, just to make peace. Plus as a woman, I have been taught to be kind, gentle, obedient, well-behaved, and submissive. And it's so disgusting. And I don't want to live such life any longer.

I will start a new era of me.

A new era which I will carry with me only things that matter, only my true feelings, only useful energies, only a few loved ones, only a few true friends.